In It To Win It With John

So, it's been just over 6 months since David Cameron romped, or rather stumbled past the post to become our PM. Finally, dissatisfaction with the Labour Party boiled over, leaving the country in what many considered to be a state of deplorable disarray and political confusion. But this analysis is surely false.
For instance, I think Labour supporters do themselves few favours by shouting aggressively about the new ruling powers. Why? Because the result was perhaps the best Labour could have hoped for! Too many terms on the trot led to them being villainized in the papers, shunned by bored voters and perhaps worst of all, regular attendees of the Andrew Marr Show. What Labour needed most was a bit of respite and some time to regroup (and also chuck Gordon out the back door).

It's funny; it's a lot harder to support the Tories than it is to support Labour. All you have to do is say that you went Blue and people accuse you of "shitting on the little guy" (to quote a militant anti-Cameronite), ruining Britain, destroying education and bankrupting the working class. Say you voted Labour and the worst you can expect is to be labelled as boring or a bandwagoner.

 Woo! New Labour, guyz!

Yet I am not here to talk about whether or not "the cuts" are a good thing (and as a student, I have to be very careful with this issue); I am in fact here to discuss perhaps the finest addition to the Scottish Conservatives. Sarcasm? Actually, no.

Anyone who lives in my constituency (not my Aberdonian one) will have had the same experience as myself; taking industrial pliers to the bulging letterbox to extract yet more correspondence from one John Lamont. Hardly a week went by without half of Scotland's paper forests arriving through the letterboxes of the residents of my lovely little constituency, all emblazoned with the smiling, approachable, trustworthy and legendary John Lamont.

The Man, The Legend, The Promotional Material

And of course, with such a positive and full-on campaign, John Lamont (whose name MUST be written in bold, as you can see) won lost the election.

Well how p**sed do you think I was? I sat up to about 4:30 am to watch the results roll in, only for Michael Moore (whose name, in contrast to John's, must be written in a very understated, disdained manner) to hold the seat, with only a modest swing in John's favour. Nevertheless, this is not the end for myself and John. John pledges to:

• Reopen railways
• Save Post Offices
• Improve mobile phone signal (thank God)
• Promote wind-farms (probably)
• Save the whale (maybe?)
• Rid Cockburnspath of famine and drought (seriously?)
• And ban Fiat Multiplas from scenic roads (definitely)

(Please note: The above electoral promises may not correspond exactly with John's.)

So, in short, John is not alone. He never will be, as I am amongst the 16,555 people in my constituency who would never see him stuck. But this image is burned in my miserable mind forever:

I look forward to drowning in flyers next election.

Get Out, And Stay Out!

I, and the rest of the Realist/Liberalist/Neorealist/Neoliberalist/Conservative/Democratic/Rational population of the country went crazy over the Barking result of the General Election 2010. Nicholas Griffin (British National Party) and his party-faithful were poised, according to many, to claim their first seat in Parliament. Their policies of an end to immigration (from all over the world) and their policy of rapid deportation of all minorities were set to win over the nationalists of Dear Old Blighty!
However, all was not well in Griffo's camp, as when the voting results came up, British fascism was dealt a rather severe blow.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, the BNP lost. Not only that, but they were absolutely trounced.

Now, I'm not here to waffle about the evils of the BNP; those are easy to work out. Instead, my biggest bugbear right now is with the proposed electoral reform. Now, it is the way of things with our wonderfully antiquated (but much admired) system that it is possible to get only a tenth of the seats with a quarter of the vote. Is that fair? Well, maybe not entirely. In theory, is it also possible to get more votes than any other party by far, and yet get NO seats whatsoever, so where is the fairness in that?
I guess I'd answer that question by saying that, well...democracy isn't actually fair. Poor BNP voters.


And what will this electoral reform do for us? It will usher in extremist and splinter parties. The BNP, maybe UKIP, and then, perhaps, even the Scottish Socialist Party (eugh) will win seats for the first time (obviously my comments on the SSP standing a chance were a joke), and we will see Britain transform into an even less popular nation in international eyes than it already is.

As a very politically central person, I reject extremism, I reject fascism, and I reject communism. I reject all that puts the fragile nature of both national and international politics at risk, and I respect any institution that attempts to unite instead of divide.
All I have to do is look at the results of the recent Swedish Election, which saw for the first time the hateful Sverigedemokraterna take seats in government, to see that that system is the enemy of rationality and the friend of extremism. And that is why I shall vote against electoral reform.

And to finish, how better to celebrate than by watching Nick Griffin being humiliated by Margaret Hodge in Barking? I am no Labour supporter, but I'd take them any day over having to listen to some of the most dreadful political anthems of all time courtesy of the BNP.

Oh, and does anyone else think that the Returning Officer smiles when he repeats the Labour result?

And Now To Bore You All